Rosco's Modern Life: The Relationship Voice

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Relationship Voice

Oy vey!

Let me tell you something about the relationship voice (or relati sote voce in latin):

Everyone has one.

If you are in any sort of dating relationship, you have a relationship voice.

There just happen to be varying degrees of relationship voices. Some are waaaaaaay out there, some are subtle inflections of the person's natural voice. But, even when subtle, they send off electromagnetic radar beams out to all in earshot.

And here's the thing with men versus women with their relationship voices: Men do everything they can to mask their voice, women unabashedly and freely pour out with their relationship voice. Who's right? Neither - because relationship voices suck.

The number one fear guys have, besides having their manhood forcedly removed, is for their pals, compadres, and peers hear their relationship voice. This means:

(1) Closed doors when speaking on the phone.
(2) Quiet, "I can't talk right now" attitudes when in public places.
(3) Forced "macho" talk in response to the girlfriend's relationship voice. In this case, the addition of "manly" words usually applies - like V-8, Hardtop, and Pussywillow.

Basically, having other guys hear their "softened" tone, for all intents and purposes, forcedly removes their manhood - see number one fear.

Now, I am not claiming that I know women (most women don't understand women*), but that won't stop me from making some dumbass claims about their rationale or why they smell good (pine tar). So let me get their reason for the relationship voice, and why they display it so proudly, our of the way: Dominance. That and so that they can embarrass the living shit out of us.

They know that men can't cop any sort of attitude, especially in public, so why not do something to torture us to near death. Seems like a good enough reason, if you ask me. Why do snot-nosed little brats fry ants with magnifying glasses (besides it looking cool)?

This is the female form of blood lust. It's not happening to them, no one is looking down on them - everyone is making fun of the doofus calling his sweetums, "smurfette" (or some facsmilie thereof).

So that gets us to the origin of "The Relationship Voice." How did it start? Well, didn't you just read up to this point? Women are vindictive, and they created this whole ploy eons ago when they didn't have the vote and they were pissed about it (who the hell voted for Chester A. Arthur?). So they did something they knew men couldn't pass an amendment against - and we men have been paying for it ever since.

Just to amplify the whole ordeal, women invented cell phones too. Now they have us right by the goobs and they're just slowly twisting.

Those evil beings.

But, then again, they do smell good, pookies.

*this is another assumption made by me, which means it's probably false, because I don't know women

Painting by Ray McCarthy

posted by Ross Conkey @ 9:15 PM

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