Rosco's Modern Life: Saved by the Wedding Bells: The Honeymoon Years

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Saved by the Wedding Bells: The Honeymoon Years

I am currently at that age where I am attending a lot, I mean a lot, of weddings. Too many weddings, in my opinion.*

I am also at the age where looking back retrospectively at the pop culture I grew up with is an adventure in self-torture. Not the least of which was a little show called, Saved by the Bell. If you haven't seen it, or haven't in a while, check out TBS - you'll get a buttload of reruns for reasons unexplained.

(It is at this point that I should mention that G.I. Joes are NOT self-torture - those things still f'in' rock.)

Looking back at SBTB, one can't help but foresee the future of the series, most importantly, the marriage of Zack and Kelly (finally!). It is in my opinion that such a union is undeniably tumultuous, and most likely completely kaput.

Another tragic Hollywood romance.

Watching the two newlyweds throughout their courting, from doughy-eyed post-pubescents through their college careers has cemented this relationship as a rocky, untrusting partnership. Let's go to the tape:

Both have histories of cheating on one another, not to mention cheating on others. Remember Kelly and her boss at the Max? Her boss? You remember, that college dude who looked like a used car salesman? Statutory anyone? (Statutory, for the record was not in the SBTB vocabulary, more on this later.) Remember Zack and the new nurse? This was a relationship that was never based on trust.
Both love the older companions (does the law even apply?). As in above, college dudes for Kelly that looked more like they were in their thirties. Zack dated a single mother in high school (of course, this is a little more common nowadays, but, in this case, this was a single working career mom), college girls (exceptionally hot college girls). He also had a thing for aerobic instructers and nurses. What about the college professor that tuned Kelly's heartstrings, or the lawyer who wooed her out of high school.
How many times did they break up? I couldn't even count, all I can say is that they got back together once more than they broke up (although, in my crystal ball, that score is evened). Out of the times they broke up, how many times was it because one, or both, cheated? Take the leftovers, how many times did they break up because they lied? The remaining times were summed up as Kelly "just wanting to be friends," which in her code means, "you're ten years too young."

Their parents were right (at first) to protest the wedding - this thing was a sham from the get go. Not to mention that Kelly is a princess (in all the negative conotations) and Zack is a schemer, trying too hard to get something for nothing. Any astrologer worth their weight in stardust could tell you that this is not a helpful relationship.

(I haven't even mentioned the class project where they were husband and wife! They got an A?!? How the f*$# did that happen?!)

So, what do I think happened, well, here you go:

The first year went well, they were still at the gaga stage. After that, eyes started to wander, and as soon as he felt the urge, Zack called a timeout and engaged in one, two, maybe twenty extra-marital affairs. When he returned, he had several illegitamite children. At some point, Kelly breaks down into tears and confesses her "side projects."

Zack, schemer that he is, is arrested, charged, and convicted of embezzlement. He spends the next twenty years in prison fighting off advances from Kelly's ex-boyfriends, namely that douchebag Jeff from the Max. Kelly and Zack get a divorce while he remains incarcerated, and Kelly remarries a sugardaddy in his 60s. She's only in her mid-20s.

Trust me, it's better off this way.

Oh, and Kelly, if you are out there, sugardaddy-less... ahem eh? Eh?

(This sadly will probably not be the last SBTB post. We haven't even talked about the SBTB: The College Years theme song - worst of all time? Or A.C.'s homoerotic tendencies?)

See you in another four months.

*This says more about me than it does the newlyweds.

posted by Ross Conkey @ 3:52 PM

1 Comments:

At 5:06 PM, BopCity said…

Classic. Rosco is a GENIUS!