Rosco's Modern Life: Karma Be Damned

Monday, November 21, 2005

Karma Be Damned

Yesterday I found myself in a precarious situation, which turned out to be quite the tale of good versus evil - you know, the type of story that all good stories long to be. This story is about a bug - a big bug - and its fight for survival.

To let you know, I am not a bug guy, but neither am I a mass murderer of bugs. But, should the bugs prove to be especially nasty, or stand between me and any feeling of unickiness - I will provide them their ultimate fate. Most of the time, I try and do it as humanely as possible. This was not one of those times.

I had come home yesterday dripping of sweat after returning from a basketball game. I jumped into the bathroom and readied myself for a shower. Everything was hunky dory - the water was warming up and I had stripped myself. I pulled back the shower curtain and felt the water - it was to my liking. Then, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something quite horrific. It was a big enough object to steal my gaze from my peripheral - it was enormous.

This bug, I have no idea what the hell it was, might have been the largest bug I have ever seen - and I have been to musuems and zoos that contain bugs. It's body alone was the size of my forefinger (length and width), with 2 inch legs spanning outward from it. Its head was the size of an almond. I felt like if I reached down and picked it up, it may defend itself my biting my little finger off.

So now, I am staring down this bug, two naked creatures sizing each other up. I had no idea what I was going to do with this thing.

My first reaction was to let the water pull it into the drain, as was the demise of so many bugs that dared enter my tub, but this bug would not budge, it's branch-like legs kept it at the far end of the tub, unable to gain ground, but not failing to keep its place. I used the drain cover to flick it down the tub, encouraging it toward the drain - I did this with much trepidation, but eventually it found itself in the drain, fighting to get out.

This is when I realized that the bug would not be able to fit through the small holes in the drain - I would have to force it. The thought disgusted me; but, I figured, it had to be done. I stared at it for a second - how was I supposed to force this thing through one of the holes. I decided that I would use the Cheerio method (so named for that misfit Cheerio that would have to be washed down the drain and forced through with a fork). But, with what implement would I force this fellow to his ride to the long goodbye? Being naked and in a bathroom, I had few options.

I searched through the drawers under the sink when I found something - a thin metal cylinder. I have no idea its purpose, perhaps its one's average metal pole the average American keeps in their bathroom.

Once I decided this was the weapon of choice, the violence began (for those readers that do not have strong constitutions, I advise to to skip forward).

I blindly poked the pole into the drain holes, hoping not to see the carnage, hoping that when i opened my eyes the drain would be clear.

It wasn't.

The bug was still there, but surely dead. I realized there was no way to force it down any of teh drain holes. The bug, in a last, and pretty ingenious, attempt at life, had flung one of its legs over the divider into another drain hole, its head in another, while its butt sat in a third. So, to force it into any hole would be near impossible, I would have to remove any two of the three appendages from their respective drain hole and into the remaining one. I decided I would have to remove the bug entirely from the tub.

I reached for the bathroom tissue, I pulled off reems of sheets. To give you a point of reference, we had about a half a roll when I went to grab the needed amount, the next morning, I replaced the roll. So I had a clump of toilet paper in my hand ready to fish out the little demon. I moved the shower head and reached into the drain, paper first. I was pinching and groping everywhere, but with that much toilet paper you have no idea if you have grabbed anything or not. I hadn't after multiple attempts. I gave myself a deep breath and gave it one more attempt, I pinched hard and grabbed what felt like a hard pea. I clenched hard, when the pea seemed to burst....

I nearly stopped right there, it was so gross.

I pulled the thing out, the poor little thing, and I flung it into the toilet and flushed it to bug heaven - which I imagine has cow dung next to potato salad on a huge buffet line of bug delecatbles.

I am pretty sure that I owe Karma something good - or maybe, some bug might smite me... soon.

posted by Ross Conkey @ 7:59 PM

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